Chronically single gay
5 Tips to Overcome Your Loneliness as a Queer Man
Updated April 18, 2025
by Clinton Power, psychotherapist and Gay Therapy Center guest blogger
Unfortunately, struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation is common in the gay community despite the focus on love and relationships. Sometimes you might struggle with making connections at all, and other times you may undergo “alone in a crowded room” because it’s so hard to forge genuine connections.
Let’s explore how you can constructively deal with feelings of loneliness and share a life you’re excited to live!
Why carry out gay men get lonely?
Loneliness is, in some ways, part of the same-sex attracted experience. The prevalence of loneliness was significantly higher among adults who identified as gay (41.2%). Since everyone is assumed to be heterosexual, we all start out in the closet. The stress of not being out is emotional more than rational, but it takes its toll. Even before you came out to yourself, on some level you might have known you couldn’t fulfill expectations of a heterosexual life. You may have grown up feeling different and separated from the majority.
After you’re out of the closet, things don’t necessarily develop right away
The Dewey Decimal system can't compartmentalize care for and sex the way gay men can.
Like a lot of gay men, I seem to be stuck doing guys I don't want to go out and dating guys I don't wish for to do.
Take this guy I met playing volleyball. We went up to block a shot and we both fell down. We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to assist him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine.
So we went on a date. Or rather, he went on a date. I went on a hunt. The guy was my type the way Arial is the New Yorker's type: Simple on the eyes, making you impatient to get to the end. But as much as I liked him sexually, I didn't feel any other connection. And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you own sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?
The answer, of course, is yes. Oh, God, yes. But the problem with bedding someone who wants a wedding is the pain created by mismatched intentions.
I remember him saying, "Let's do something, dinner, a movie."
"I can't really do anything until eleven o'clock," I'd tell him.
"Well, you can't do anything at eleven o'clock at night on a weekday exc
March 02, 2017
The Epidemic of
Gay LonelinessBy Michael Hobbes
I
“I used to get so delighted when the meth was all gone.”
This is my ally Jeremy.
“When you contain it,” he says, “you have to keep using it. When it’s gone, it’s like, ‘Oh good, I can go back to my life now.’ I would remain up all weekend and go to these sex parties and then experience like shit until Wednesday. About two years ago I switched to cocaine because I could work the next day.”
Jeremy is telling me this from a hospital bed, six stories above Seattle. He won’t tell me the exact circumstances of the overdose, only that a stranger called an ambulance and he woke up here.
Jeremy is not the acquaintance I was expecting to have this conversation with. Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea he used anything heavier than martinis. He is trim, intelligent, gluten-free, the courteous of guy who wears a labor shirt no matter what day of the week it is. The first time we met, three years ago, he asked me if I knew a good place to do CrossFit. Today, when I ask him how the hospital’s been so far, the first thing he says is that there’s no Wi-F
Chronically Single: A Gay Man’s Perspective
My longest relationship was 4 weeks long. Proceed ahead, say I’m too picky or that I’m too distracted at labor or that I’m not emotionally available – everyone else has. It’s perspectives like these that convinced me something was wrong; the longer I listened, the more I hit myself up. I felt pressure to find a boyfriend. I tried to convince myself that all these weirdoes I was dating were someone worth investigating – believe me, they weren’t.
I realized one day that all my drinking buddies had disappeared. For the longest day I thought we’d be together forever, but prefer all great things there comes a time when the era ends. Once it does you’re forced to find new habits and quite possibly fresh friends. This is the cue to pour myself another drink.
My mother always said I was a late bloomer. I understand what kind of animation I want for myself and a family is definitely a part of the plan, but I feel no need to rush things because I’m content with how my life is right now, and it’s not enjoy I don’t date. Trust me, I date a lot. I’ve gone on five, six, seven dates with a guy, but at the end, it fizzles out because we comprehend the chemistry isn’t right.
OK, so, you’re gay, and you want to detect a partner and eventually a husband; someone with whom to share your life. However, you just can’t seem to get together the right guy or make the right connection. You keep coming up empty-handed, stymied in your efforts, no matter what you try. All of this talk of legalized marriage just seems to make things worse, adding pressure from friends, family, and even yourself.
You reflect that maybe it’s just not possible for male lover men to have long-term relationships. There must be some truth to the old joke: “What does a gay man take on a second date?” Response: “What second date?” You would be ready to throw in the towel, if it weren’t for your best confidant who met someone and is now in a happy relationship for the past two years—or that middle-aged couple who dwell in your building and who just celebrated 25 years together with a trip to Paris. So you end up wondering, “What’s the matter with me? What am I doing wrong?”
As an openly gay man with over 30 years of exposure as a therapist, I have seen scores of single gay men sabotage their efforts to detect a partner, placing obstacles in their own path—without having the slightest plan as to what they a